The scuttlebutt differs

Jul 05 Christine Graham  
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While officials are releasing their own press statements, and the enemy leaks complaints about Jeffism, complaints are coming out from within our own military forces as well- stating that the official story of battles playing out doesn’t truly reflect the stories told by those on the ground.

The general scuttlebutt is that pilots believe that they are being sent off to war ill-equipped. “The enemy has helo’s with air-to-air capable rockets, yet we are denied stingers on our pilons in what is an obvious situation with a high hostile air-air threat” was quoted one pilot. Another mentioned, “And we’re sent out in Apache’s that are broken. Sighting issues with the gun in the TEDAC where rounds are missing their targets by an unacceptable level, and can’t track a basic moving target”. We’re lucky to get out of there alive… well… mostly. Game over man… game over.

And the third report of hellfires not firing off their stations when shot, and/or launching randomly at other times is also being reported. “I’m up on charges for firing hellfires into a nature reserve for crying out loud. Firstly they fired themselves. And secondly – it’s the side of a desert cliff. Nothing but sand and rock – no nature at all to be destroyed”.

“It’s a flaming miracle that we were able to get done what we did. I think the state of our equipment reflects the same state of our current Commander in Chief”.

However, when asked to comment on this Major Payne responded saying “Nonsense! We have the best fighting equipment of anyone. The best men, and the best leader. These are rumours, most likely posted by foreign actors to give the impression that we would have less than capable equipment for our men”.

Mizz Thunderborg – spokesperson for “Planet Lives Matter” was quick to iterate too “This is not correct. The area concerned is a fragile ecosystem and bombs and missiles going in discriminatory into the environment are damaging our planet’s core. This must be stopped. The resistance is futile!”.

She also commented that soldiers are using weapons that are too dangerous. “I managed to get my hands on one of their so-called 9mm sidearms. I measured it – and you know what I found…. they lie! It’s a lot longer than 9mm! How this weapon of mass destruction is permitted to be used by troops is outrageous. If they’re lying about the power of their own sidearms – how much more must they be lying about the power of their missiles and bombs!!! Only people should be killed. If the military can’t guarantee that they’ll only kill people and not grass, sand, animals, or the earth – then they should stop the war immediately!”

Meanwhile – in Japan, Toyota has released their own press release saying that the real problem the allies face is the fact that the enemy has far superior equipment. “An apache against a Landcruiser – there is no comparison – Toyota’s are built to last. Just ask Clarkson on Topgear. The solution is obvious – fight fire with fire… Toyota’s with Toyota’s”

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